I can never achieve orgasm, no matter what my boyfriend does

I have never been able to come, although clitoral stimulation almost gets me there. I feel broken, while my partner thinks he’s not good enough

I’m a 24-year-old female and I can never achieve orgasm. I feel as if I get close sometimes. Clitoral stimulation seems to help, but I still can’t quite get there. My boyfriend feels as if he’s not good enough because he can’t make me orgasm. I feel broken. What do I do?

Many – perhaps most – women orgasm only through very direct clitoral stimulation. Stop trying to achieve orgasm through vaginal coitus alone, and educate your boyfriend about what is real and true for you. Teach him exactly how you like to be touched and try to transfer his misplaced pride in providing orgasm with his penis to the far more useful and appreciated techniques of manual or oral clitoral attention. Encourage him in his efforts, be tolerant of his early mistakes and praise him when he gets it right. It really is your job to share your exact needs with him (as well as listening and acting on his) rather than trying to fit into the mythology of “vaginal climaxing is best”. It is not, but you can also find ways to have him excite you more during intercourse by direct additional manual contact with your clitoris, or you could touch yourself or use sex toys. Male desires for orgasm-to-order are often based on simple inexperience, poor technique, or embarrassment about not knowing what to do. Teach him, and he will be very grateful.

Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders

If you would like advice from Pamela Stephenson Connolly on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions: see gu.com/letters-terms

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